DAN SHAPIRO - PART 3

What defines you in this global world? Who are you as a global citizen? As people experience a seemingly ceaseless merging of old and new, familiar and foreign, they tend to retreat into physical, digital and psychological communities where they feel safe and comfortable. They revert into small groups: tribes. These tribes become part of our identity. 

Tribal mindset
Conflict resolution is disrupted when you don't respect this identity. That will get people in their 'tribal mindset'. In this tribal mindset you'll find three characteristics to watch out for:

• Adversarial – Me versus you thinking
• Self-righteous – I’m right and you are wrong and crazy
• Insular – I defend my case, close my ears to everything you say

THE 5 LURES OF THE TRIBAL MIND

The 5 lures sabotage you when you're in conflict. They are emotional pitfalls which won't get the conflict any closer to resolution. Therefore it's important to recognize these lures and deal with them.

1. Vertigo

Vertigo is when you can't think of anything else except for the conflict and your opponent. Even when you're physically somewhere else, your head is still at the conflict. The conflict emotionally consumes you.

How to resist this lure: Become aware. Recognize that you’re becoming consumed by the conflict, and decide that you don't want to get swept away. Once the automatic psychological process becomes a conscious choice, you’ll stand a better chance of resisting vertigo. At that point you can decide to listen to the other person and find something to appreciate.

2. Taboos

Taboos are social prohibitions, things you’re not supposed to say or do: they are big no-no's. This can build a big wall in a conversation. The problem is, everything you’re supposed to do to resolve a conflict becomes taboo in a conflict situation: including talking, listening, being open, and being respectful.

How to resist this lure: Think about what your organization doesn't talk about, but actually shoud be talking about. Or the other way around. Once you identify what it is, there are three main approaches to the problem: 1. Accept it and do nothing. 2. Try saying/doing small things to slowly change the problem or make people aware of it. 3. Tear it down. The right approach will depend on the situation, the players, and the corporate and broader culture within your organization. 

3. Repetition compulsion

This is a dysfunctional pattern of behavior that you repeatedly reenact. Eventhough it's not good or healthy for you and the people around you. The twist is that when you try to break the repetition compulsion and adopt more effective behaviors, it feels unnatural, which makes the compulsion hard to break.

How to resist this lure: First, try to identify the patterns. Do you always start conflicts or do you run away? Which patterns are constructive and which are harmful? Next, adopt more effective behaviors. You can do this in many ways, for example: avoid the triggers, adopt a new habit (knowing it will feel unnatural af first) or change your interpretation of the consequences to reduce the stakes. However, the best approach may be just to sit down with the other party and plot out the conflict, in order to figure out a way to break the habit.

4. Assault on the sacred 

When you feel that the most meaningful aspects to your identity are threatened or attacked. “Sacred” doesn’t necessarily have to do with religion, it can for example be your family or origins.

How to resist this lure: It’s important in a conflict to understand what people do hold as sacred, it’s so easy to otherwise step on someone’s identity. The goal is to become aware of what people hold sacred before the interaction takes place, learning as much about the corporate culture and personal values of the person you’re working with as possible. But, if you accidentally misstep, the solution is the same as it was when you were in a kid: apologize.

5. Identity politics

Identity politics is the way we position ourselves every single day at work. To be friendly with some people, to distance ourselves from others for some sort of political purpose. When you buddy up to the boss or distance yourself from a colleague who is in disfavor, that’s identity politics. A lot of 'we' vs 'them' thinking is involved.

How to resist this lure: Again, awareness is key. None of the lures are about rationality. Recognizing the emotional forces at play can help you navigate conflict more effectively. Ultimately, the health and success of the organization should be the goal.

PUTTING THEORY INTO PRACTICE

Knowledge is useless unless it is used. So work with the tools and the knowledge. You can model the tools yourself and share the knowledge with the people around you. Start with:

• Sharing the frameworks with your colleagues and team
• Focusing on 1 core concern every week: what works well and what could be better?
• Sharing the ideas systematically with and throughout the organization